Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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