Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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