Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
