But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
