Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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