I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize