I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
