I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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