Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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