You're so nebulous sometimes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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