I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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