frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
