I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
as a side note pls kill me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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