I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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