I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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