Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
