ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize