i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize