last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
