Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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