im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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