Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
