Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
