Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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