You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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