I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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