Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
