My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
