your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
