White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dicks are not precious.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
