My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
