oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You are the jesus of drinking
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
