Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
