What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
