Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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