Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
