my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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