sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
