Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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