Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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