I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize