i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
