I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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