my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize