What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
