So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
