Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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