Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize