You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It's just like the Real World with babies
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
