why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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