Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
