Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
