My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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