Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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