Screwed.edu
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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