Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I supernannyed him into submission
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
