Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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