I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
