im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
