I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
