The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize