We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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