so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
