when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
