You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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