I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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