I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
ok first of all what the fuck
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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