how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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