im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
