ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Randomize
