Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize