Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
A bitchslap is in order.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
