90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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