My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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