At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
