im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I met the friendliest cop last night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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